Recently I ran a call to action to answer the Treasury's
rejection of any review of the beer duty escalator under the image of a ballot
box with the tagline "If you can't join them …"
Today, I think I will revert to the more traditional
"If you can't beat them, join them…"
Accordingly, I am pleased to announce the formation of The Perfect
Pint Company ™. As you will see from the articles of incorporation (to follow
shortly) The Perfect Pint Company ™ is based in Luxembourg,
where it's highly dedicated staff (of one … me) will provide every independent
pub operator in the country with a unique franchise offering.
The franchise will consist of a single piece of intellectual
property, to wit, the way to pour and serve the perfect pint (pictured right). In return for the
modest fee of 100% of all your takings The Perfect Pint Company ™ will provide
you with a handy, easy to use portable diagram and instructions on how to serve
and pour the perfect pint and more importantly will undertake to "fulfil"
all your customer orders. You will only "deliver the product" to your
customers.
Having received your total income, we will provide the
invaluable service and management advice contained in The Perfect Pint Company ™
instruction card at the very reasonable cost to The Perfect Pint Company ™ of
99% of your turnover to cover the "cost of product sales and other ongoing
costs related to the operations of the company".
The Perfect Pint Company ™ will then pay tax on the 1% of
your turnover to the Luxembourg
government. By means of a reciprocal licensing fee The Perfect Pint Company ™
will remit to you all monies required to operate your business and fulfil your
VAT and PAYE liabilities. The Perfect Pint Company ™ will pay the shareholders
of The Perfect Pint Company ™ a dividend on which 10% income tax can be levied
in the UK. (You
should note that dividends under £35,000 are eligible for a 10% tax credit …
so you'll in effect not pay any tax on this income).
The shareholders of The Perfect Pint Company ™ will, of
course, be you the franchisees. As your UK based "economic activity"
units (your pubs) will be making an operating loss, your UK based pub business
will not be subject to corporation tax so you can quite legitimately trouser
the difference.
Application forms for potential franchisees can be obtained
from The Perfect Pint Company ™ SARL, 13 Rue de la Boucherie, 1066, Luxembourg.
Alternatively if you are visiting Luxembourg,
call in and collect your franchise pack in person … just knock on the door and
say "The one-breasted coffee vendor sent me …"
(p.s. Brewers will be able to buy their hops from our Swiss domiciled subsidiary at a very reasonable 200% mark-up ...)
(p.s. Brewers will be able to buy their hops from our Swiss domiciled subsidiary at a very reasonable 200% mark-up ...)
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