Reality TV ...

Father Jack about to let loose ...

It's a guilty pleasure for a non-driver, watching the BBC's flagship motoring show and for the life of me I really don’t know why I do it. But as I sat there glued to the latest pointless comparison of cars I could never afford let alone drive I had a bizarre thought - what about Top Beer?.

It could still go out on Sunday evenings, it could be set in a huge keg and cask store, feature three presenters, one a fusty old cask ale drinker complete with sandals and beard, one a feisty youngster with all the bounciness of a puppy on steroids and finally a rude old git who'd not really contribute to the show except for random outbursts of profanity and bile (I'm thinking the demented Father Jack from Father Ted here, "feck, girls, beer!").

Just as the motoring show has its nemesis in the form of the caravan, so could Top Beer and it could lampoon lout (I understand this is the vernacular for lager), it could feature a Star in a Reasonably Priced Bar, where a celebrity goes for a pint in a regular community pub and tries to last a whole evening without getting into grief with the locals (I'm thinking Alastair Campbell for the first show, after all he's already done the car thing); the Power Laps would be a different craft or real Yard of Ale and watching a Stig try to consume one with thick driving gloves and through a gap in the full face helmet would be a hoot.

And how about those whacky races the petrol-heads compete in? I know … a Wild Mild Trail where the old git tries to beat the other two from one side of Belgium to another - I can just see the old git abusing Trappist monks as the pupster and beardy sip away at the finest Flemish reds. Of course the old git would always win the race but only by a whisker. It would be real "car-crash" TV!

Beer (and other alcohol) is being demonised on a daily basis so in the spirit of balanced journalism I call on the BBC to commission my idea for Top Beer immediately … it would be as relevant to the world of the average British pub-goer as Top Gear is to the average British driver … I mean if you're going to stick to such a tired old format … or I could take it to Five … Fifth Beer … oh no, we'll be accused of binge drinking!

and on that bombshell …